5 ways to win with passive-aggressive people

5 ways to win with passive-aggressive people5 ways to win with passive-aggressive peoplePassive-aggressive people.You know the type.They never say they wont do something. They agree but then, aw shucks, the dog ate their homework and, of course, its elend their fault.They never ask for what they want. They whine or charm or sulk until you offer. But they didnt ask, so they dont owe you anything. Hey, you offered.And they claim to be the kindest personin the world. Would never hurt a fly. But they attack others - always with plausible deniability.Its nevertheir fault. Theyre bedrngnislage a bad person. In fact,at least according to them, theyre always the victim. Clinical psychologist Randy Patersonexplains passive-aggressive behavior asIn all cases you get your own way, but you have a plausible excuse that allows you to escape taking responsibility for your actions. You manage to avoid being confronted by those who are affected. If they try to confront you, you can always deny any intent (No, I really wanted to be on time, but the bus welches late.)These people will drive you crazy. So what do experts recommend you do to win with these types?Lets get to it . . .(Im not asking you to keep reading. I dont care if you read another word. But, if you areso inclined, go right ahead. Now its true thatone time someone didnt finish reading something I wrote and I was so upset I was hospitalized for a month - but dont feel obligated in any way. I wouldnt want to be a burden. Totally up to you. Do whatever you think is right. Im just trying to help)Whats the verstndigung im strafverfahren with passive-aggressive people?Well-adjusted people are assertive. Theyll explain why they cant help orask for what they want. Aggressive folks will respond to requests with a flatNo and will happily steamroll you to achieve their goals. Other people are passive. Theyll cave and do what you tell them, or give up on what they desire rather than ask for it.And then we have the passive-a ggressive bunch theyre not going to say no, but theyre not going to follow through either. Theyre not going to ask for what they want, but thats not going to stop them from trying to get it.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryThe more these hapless vampires like, respect, or fear you, the less able they are to say directly, Im angry or I dont want to do that. They have to rely on misunderstanding, forgetting, or falling apart to do the job for them. Thats the way it is accept it or pay the price. The most frequent cause of headaches is pursuing the one goal that is absolutely unattainable with Histrionic vampires- having them admit to their actual motives.Most passive-aggressives live in a fantasy world of denial. They dont want to be seen as a bad person but they dont want to do unpleasant things. But if the unpleasant things dont get done because of an accident, well, its not their fault, and theyre nota badperson.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryIn their minds, they are good children- innocent, happy, eager to please, and always willing to do more than their share. Real people are complex, full of base motivations and unacceptable desires as well as the stuff of angels. Passive-Aggressive Histrionics have the frightening capacity to deny any but the most superficial and attractive thoughts. They blithely ignore the ugly stuff even if its plainly visible to everyone else. Histrionics are not perfectionists, theyre more like perfectionist wannabes. They dont necessarily want to be perfect they just want to look perfect Normal people recognize that they cant act on their impulses. Passive-Aggressive Histrionics try to believe that they have no inappropriate impulses to act on. This is what makes them dangerous.Theyre perpetually innocent. And if you accuse them, youre a bully. Theyre always the victim.Now there is another typeaggressives who use passive-aggressiveness as a deliberate strategy to act likejerksa nd not be held accountable. Modern corporate culture has come down hard on aggressive behavior. While noble, this has just driven it underground. Shouting is verboten, so they manipulate youinstead.So whats the best way toidentifya passive-aggressive as early as possible? Look for a past that resembles Hurricane Katrina.These types often leaveawake of devastation behind them. Of course, it wasnt their fault. They were the victim. But if someone keeps having bad luck again and again and again thats not bad luck.See them coming and you might be able to stop them from bleeding you dry. And thats why clinical psychologist Albert Bernstein refers to them as vampires.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryOften these vampires have a history of interpersonal problems that, according to them, come out of nowhere to plague them. Their world is two-dimensional, full of villains and victims. In an interview they will usually tell you about personality conflicts in their pr evious job. On a first date they will tell you about their last dysfunctional relationship because youre a nice person and will understand. Be warned. Nice person or not, in their next interview or on their next first date, theyll be saying the same things about you.(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, click here.)Okay, we have met the enemy - and its never their fault.As with narcissists, subclinical psychopaths and other oh-so-pleasant folks, if you see them for what they are, the best way to deal with them is not to deal with them. Run.But there are many cases where that just isnt an option, like the office. So what do you do about it?1. Dont give inTheyre giving you a migraine. Theres always an excuse. They are always the victim. Wouldnt it just be easier to give inso theyshut up and go away?No.Dont give them what they want. Now youre rewarding the puppy for pooping on the carpet. Guess whats going to happen next time they want something?FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryIn the short run it seems easier not to deal with them at all and just do whatever they were supposed to do yourself. Big mistake. One of the reasons these vampires are so difficult is that most people deal with their passive tantrums passively, by absolving them of their responsibilities. This approach ensures that the next time there is something difficult to be done, Histrionics will again handle it by not being able to handle it.(To learn how to deal with psychopaths and other toxic people, click here.)Maybe if you can just get them to tell you what they want, you can break them of this terrible habit. Or maybe if you just explode on them you can show them how frustrating theyre being and theyll snap out of it.Wrong . . .2. Dont get angry or call them outIf you get furiousor make accusations, then youre a bully. Theyre always the victim, remember? So dont give them a plausible way of accusing you of being a bully.You dont want to end up on their enemies l ist. Not that theyre vindictive - theyre as pure as the driven snow - but your bullying behavior might be something HR should be aware of. You know, for the good of the company. After all, they just want to help.And trying to get them to take responsibility for their actions is a fools errand. Theyd have to admit theyre not sweet, kind and lovable. Theyd have to admit they have base desires. Not gonna happen.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryForget any attempt to make Passive-Aggressive vampires admit to what they really feel. Itll only make your headache worse. Dont make the mistake of demanding that they talk to you directly about problems. You might as well demand that they speak in rhyming couplets. There really are no battles you can win with the Passive-Aggressive. Once the situation turns into a battle, you have already lost. The battles you can win are all with yourself.(To learnhow a clinical psychologist recommends you handle difficult conversat ions, click here.)So you know what not to do. But whats the first step in getting this victim who has such horrible luck to behave the right way?3. Speak their languageYou need to express your needs intheir I-am-the-victim reality. Tell them it is truly awful that space aliens stopped them from taking care of that task they committed to. (Youve dealt with E.T. yourself, and you understand how difficult he can be.) You appreciate them doing their best, and were just going to need to try again.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryYour words must reflect an understanding of their view of the world, rather than demanding that they accept yours. These vampires live in an alternate reality where their thoughts are pure, their motives are selfless, and all their mistakes are caused by misinterpretation. That is where you must go to have any meaningful communication with them. Phrase everything in a way that doesnt assault their view of reality. Instead of criticizing , acknowledge that Passive-Aggressives were doing their best, then let them know how to do better. Dont even think of talking to them when youre angry. Theyll see it as verbal abuse.(To learn an FBI behavior experts secrets for getting people to like you, click here.)So youre talking to them in a way they wont reject. Now how do you get them to do what they should have already done?4. Be direct and always reward good behaviorDo what they cantbe direct about what you want. Otherwise, we now have two passive-aggressives dealing with one another. And while that might make a fantasticSNL sketch, its not something you want to be a part of. (Youll lose. They have a lot more practice at this than you do.)So be direct aboutwhat is expected and let contingencies do the work.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryIf you live or work with Passive-Aggressive Histrionics, you want them to do what theyre supposed to do, and not feel criticized and abused. At least not enough to retaliate. To accomplish this formidable goal, you and the vampire have to relate on the basis of clear, explicit expectations rather than any sort of unspoken agreements.You were clear about what you wanted and they followed through. Great. Nowheap on the approval theyve been craving. If this sounds like dog training, well, thats because it is dog training. So give Sparky a treat and a pat on the head.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryThe most productive goal with these vampires is preventing their Passive-Aggressive outbursts by giving them the approval they want, but making it contingent on specific behaviors. Never let them guess what you want the consequences are too great if they get it wrong. Tell Passive-Aggressives in explicit detail what it takes to please you and praise them profusely when they do it. The strategy is simple and almost foolproof, but it is seldom employed.(To learn the 4 rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, click here .)Some people will say that sounds all too simple. Now it does work, but maybe not immediately. So how do you punish bad behavior with someone who is itching to paint themselves as the victim and you as the jerk?5. Use response costsOvert punishment or retaliation wont work. That just feeds their narrative of Me Victim You Bully.But their bad behavior causes problems for you and it needs to causeproblems for them too. It was awful that a 747 crashed into the post office where they were supposed to mail that letter for you, and you feel terrible they had to suffer through that tragedy. But since it happened, theres now another step they need to complete.Filling out an incident reportor paying that late fee you incurred. Anything you can think upthat makes their accidental slip ups not worth the hassle in the future.FromEmotional Vampires Dealing with People Who Drain You DryIf there need to be negative consequences for breaking rules, the kind that work best are called response costs . They arent punishments theyre more like raising the price of messing up. If people forget to do something or do it incorrectly, make them do it over, especially when it would be easier to do it yourself. Creative practitioners may raise the price of misbehavior still further by adding paperwork- incident reports, remediation plans for absences, or whatever else they can think up.(To learn the 7-step morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, click here.)Okay, weve learned a lot. (I wanted to write more but I have just been so busy. Sorry about that. Couldnt be helped.) Lets round it all upSum upHeres how to win with passive-aggressive peopleDont give in If you show them this behavior works, you will get more of it. Period.Dont get angry or call them out Because then youre the meanie they always suspected you were. Meanie.Speak their language You know full well how awful it is when vikings prevent you from getting somewhere on time, so be understanding.Be direct and always re ward good behaviorFetch and you get a treat, Sparky.Use response costs When you dont pay parking tickets, the citydoubles the fine. Theyre so awful, arent they? Might wanna pay the ticket on time in the future.Ignore the excuses. Pay attention to actions, not words. You cannot control their behavior but you can control your response. Forget trying to change them into anacceptablehuman being the best you can do is get the right behavior out of them.And never forget that theyre the victim here. After all, if an unexpectedninja ambushprevented you from completing that importantPowerPoint presentation, how would you feel?Join over 285,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article originally appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.